Well,,, whole day stomach ache.. Craze pain there.. Only she know how pain it was..
Actually, now i am total blank.. Thru i tried, but in the end, i ended up finding myself being something worthless.. Rubbish i say..
People say when you say you cant, mean you cant forever.. I do believe in that.. I already say i cant. I dont like to plan either. I used to like in a place where people already plan for me. I knew there must someone who plan. Someone who will have to start up stuff. And i have no experience at all. At home or anywhere. Whenever, mum or aunt ask me, i will push them away. So, it is the same.
I tried this time. Getting myself to try plan. But hearing stuff and stuff make me couldnt stand anymore. How to expect from someone who dont plan stuff at all one? Where went wrong also i dont know. How to ask either? I only do stuff for myself for all my life. Selfish perhaps.
Problems kept going on. And where the trust either? Support also i cant find adi. Doing nothing but seem like getting tired was a funny stuff. You are such a funny jerk, SUEANN.. Running away from the fact is what you know the most. Pleasing everyone was a tiring task.. And dont even expect everyone will support you like someone did. Pls.
I hate to scold myself. I just dont have the right to blame on friends as i used to do. It was useless to blame on them. Cause in the end, de one who get hurt was myself more than anyone. They are fine. Just i dont understand they at all.
I dont know how some of them did that. Either they really good or by luck. Come from all kind of people this group of buddy.. twisted me up and down. Sometimes, i do think they really buddy for a long time. Knew them for so long. But actually funny is i dont know them at all. Neither do them.
I admit that i am silly stubborn. I tried change but no matter how hard, the same me will be there. In the end, i am no change at all. And no one did know i tried. That was frustrating awful feel. I am someone who dont like any changes at all. I mean. No matter how bad am that part of me, i will still be the same.
Indeed, i was damn mad this time. Mad for believing all this will change. They say they say and they say. I never had a Xmas with them. Maybe it is right. My family celebrated this every year. Every year. And this year too. They are heading to Spore without me this year. I knew. Even i am not going with these buddy, i wouldnt go with family this year. It is not as punishment but as a scar i considered. I deserved a silent one this year.
I am supposed to skip my lecture for XMAS eve but someone told me they cant skip.. GOSH.. F**k off la.. And also, i will prove that i can plan something out. thru not with this group of friend anymore. But i already have that determination adi. I will make it right with someone else. Someone who really understand me better. Dont talk to me trust anymore. Indeed, ur trust make me throw up. How to trust when the way you act is only to say? words only if you only notice.. And when i really need a trust, where was it? No condemn.
Really mad. Not at anyone anymore. At myself the most. At the time i need a buddy, it wasnt you all who being there.. It turn up to be friends i knew for a couple of month. How can you are the one who make me feeling bad? How come?
I dont like to call myself useless but when i with you all. I felt that i am useless. Haha.. I certainly felt so. I think i deeply fall in love with you guys. Like they say love is blind. Maybe this is what happened.. Haha.. How come the pain doesnt awaken me? Time to get awake. I am not as energetic as you all. It was painful after all.. REALLY REALLY PAIN.. No jokes.
My feeling now.. haha.. just like the song go.. Wo hen XIANG ai ta.. but i dont have the power to go on..
http://www.crunchyroll.com/showmedia?id=22097
Really fit into my mood..
